


I'll Never Love Again | Joavin

by ericstrueblood



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, M/M, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-09-14 04:18:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16905972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ericstrueblood/pseuds/ericstrueblood
Summary: He should have told him, he should have done something to help him, save him, bring him home. But those were just thoughts, cause now it was just over, he was gone.Forever.(post episode 3.06)





	I'll Never Love Again | Joavin

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a good writer and I'm not even good at english but I had to write this so whatever enjoy

– “Don't wanna feel another touch Don't wanna start another fire  
Don't wanna know another kiss No other name falling off my lips  
Don't wanna to give my heart away To another stranger  
Or let another day begin Won't even let the sunlight in  
No, I'll never love again I'll never love again”  
It had been two days, two nights since his death. 72 hours, maybe a few more.  
Two sleepless nights, spent looking at the roof, whishing it as just a nightmare.  
Two nights spent listening to the sound of the rain coming down with violence, staring at the drops of water running fast down the window.  
Kevin liked rain, because when it was raining noone could see his tears.  
Plus it reminded him of the afternoons spent with his boyfriend. When it rained, they would just spend the hours inside his house, under the blankets, cuddling and whispering sweet nothings to each other’s ear.  
Two days of pure pain, of endless tears running down his cheeks, hundreds of questions in his mind, hundred of words he wishes he had said when he was still here.  
Two days of staring at old pictures in the phone, memories of a life that had not been lived enough, memories of plans that were now nothing, lost in the sound of the rain, echos in his mind that he and he only could hear, like the words they had said during those afternoons.  
Plans for a future of two, that suddenly became the future of one only. 

A week before, they were together in the woods, they were standing right in front of each other.  
He should have said he loved him. He should have ran towards him, hugging him and never letting him go.  
But instead he thought he had all the time in the world. He thought someone would have found him and brought him back to him.  
He was a fool to think, even if just for a second, that they were gonna have an happy ending. Like it was a fucking tv show, the gang member and the son of the sheriff. It was over before it had even started. He knew, they both knew, it wasn’t gonna last. But they still tried their best.  
Because they loved each other, or at least Kevin knew he loved Joaquin. He was the first person he had ever loved.  
He should have told him, he should have done something to help him, save him, bring him home. But those were just thoughts, cause now it was just over, he was gone.  
Forever.  
his eyes were red from crying and, most of the time, he felt like he couldn’t breath.  
But maybe he didn’t even want to.  
Yes, Joaquin went to San Junipero months before, after telling too many lies to him, he left him alone with nothing but a broken heart. They had not kept contacts, for a long time they both acted like nothing ever happened between them.  
But Kevin knew that somehow, they were gonna cross paths again. Their story wasn’t over, yet. His father once told him, when he was younger, that soulmates always found their ways back to each other, no matter how far they were and how hard it was.  
The truth was that Kevin didn’t stop loving him, not even for a second, not even when he found out about all those lies, not even when he should have hated him.  
what was left of them now?  
Pictures, texts. Words written on school papers, a sweatshirt Joaquin had left in his room once, that was now hidden in the back of his wardrobe, kept safe from the whole world, the only thing that would have reminded him how it felt to hug him, how it felt to be safe in his arms.  
he didn’t even saw his body, he didn’t need to.  
He didn’t want to see that body, once so full of life, lying death on the floor of some dirty place in the southside. He wanted to keep the memory of him when he was alive, his face smiling, his eyes happy. Where was his body now? Did he even have a grave? Probably not.  
Kevin thought that he was the only one who cared for him, the only one who would have kept his memory alive. And,somehow, he was happy about that.  
Maybe he was gonna be his and his only forever. 

 

on the floor some half-written papers, words Kevin had tried to put down, sentences that will never come out of his mouth.  
The words he should have said.

Dear babe, first love, friend and most beloved.

How can I even say all of this without crying, without letting all these tears cross my face. If you were here you would tell me I should not cry if I’m down, I should keep my head up and look at the future, but right now, without you, I just can’t. 

How will I ever be able to get up from this bed, to start living again, if I can’t even feel my heart beat?

How am I ever gonna forgive myself for this, for not speaking up, for not protecting you, from not stopping you?

For letting you go.

How am I gonna wake up in the morning, how am I gonna laugh if you’re not here anymore? Cause now that you left me everything feels so pointless. 

And I knew, I knew between us it was over a while ago, it was over the first time you left me, 

but we both knew we were gonna be together again, somehow, in the future.  
We weren’t meant to be apart. 

How am I gonna be able to love someone else, when nobody will ever be you?

I will never love again. 

 

Kevin closed his eyes. He could still ear the sound of the cars in the drive in, the voices of the people watching the movie. He could still smell the popcorns, the food. He could still feel the lips of Joaquin kissing his neck for the first time, the body of two strangers that knew they were meant to be together since the first miment, since the first gaze.  
Kevin was so scared he was gonna forget all those moments, he was scared that, with the years going by, he was gonna forget his boyfriend’s smile, how his lips felot on his. 

everything was gone now, every hope was lost.  
No more nights spent in each other’s arms looking at the stars, no more afternoon walks in the woods, hand by hand, no more kisses, hugs.  
Only unsaid words were left, only unspoken “I love you”s.  
And sometimes unspoken “I love you”s, hurt more than those that were not said back.  
but maybe it was really a nightmare.  
After all those things that have been happening in Riverdale lately, a nightmare would have been perfectly normal. Kevin thought he was gonna wake up the morning after and everything would have been fine.  
No deaths, no pain.  
His father had called a few times, the phone kept buzzing and they were all messages from Betty.  
She could not understand. Noone could. 

what time was it? Kevin had not idea. Late, probably. He wasn’t even sure about what day it was.  
What about his life from that moment on? Dark.  
He could not just lay on his bed crying for the rest of his life, but did he have any other chance? 

The next morning it was a school day.  
Kevin chose the clothes he wanted to wear, he put all the books he needed in his bag.  
It was about 4:00 am when he fell asleep.  
The next morning he woke up, made a coffe and went straight to school. He lied, saying that he was okay to everyone who asked.  
He went to the bathroom and cried more than once, didn’t pay attention to the lessons, his mind was elsewhere. He thought his life was over, right when it was about to star.  
He cried himself to sleep for the next weeks, then he stopped crying everyday and, with the time, he learned how to not cry at all.  
he went to school everyday, got perfect marks, passed every class and went to one of the best colleges in America.  
After Joaquin’s death many boys went by. Some of them left something, some of them were just adventures. Kevin fell in love, got his heart broken, gained and lost people.  
He got married in the spring of 2029, to a guy called Matt. They met in college and instantly became friends, but they didn’t realize they were in love until many years after. He was a good boy, Kevin’s father adored him. They moved to New York soon after the wedding and created a family. They were so in love, and reminded it each other every day. Matt was his solumate, the boy he had been waiting for for his whole life. He never loved anyone as much as he loved him.  
He came back to Riverdale many years after, when his kids were about ten. All the couples that had formed in high school were broken up, all the people he had met were now different people. They spent an evening together, drank too much wine and talked about the good old days. It was nice to meet them again, to feel young again.  
Kevin lived in only two cities in his life: Riverdale and New York. And he had loved, really loved only two boys in his life: Joaquin and Matt.  
One belonged to the past, one to the future.  
The Morning after he woke up earlier than usual and went for a walk down the River. He could still remeber everything, every word, every kiss.  
And his smile.  
While heading back to New York, Kevin told his kids about soulmates.  
How the always found their ways back to each other, no matter how hard it was, no matter how far they were.  
He loved only two people in his life, one belonged to the past, one to the future.  
It kept raining for the whole drive back home.  
They belonged to his heart.  
They both belonged to his present.  
Soulmates always find their way back to each other.  
It was a little cold in New York, so Kevin decided to wear a sweatshirt that the Romeo from his past once forgot at his house. Matt and the kids went for a walk in Central Park, but Kevin stayed home and spent the night looking at the rain from his window, lost in memories.  
When he turned on his phone, the day after Joaquin’s death, there was a voice mail from an unkown number.  
It was Joaquin that, with a scared and tired voice, told him how much he loved him.  
That he was the love of his life.  
The best thing that ever happened to him.  
The rain was still coming down when a tear crossed Kevin’s face.  
“Even tho sometimes soulmates don’t find their ways back to each other – he whispered – you will always find the way to my heart”  
he got up, grabbed a jacket, and followed his husband and sons in central park.


End file.
